From “Your Breasts Are Like Two Fawns” to “We Live Too Far Apart….”
Christian Catnip: The Covert Covenant Crumbles
I met a man so spiritually, politically, and recreationally aligned with me that I thought God Himself might’ve swiped right.
We talked faith, family, hunting, Song of Solomon, and trauma healing like we were reading from the same divine playbook.
I thought, Finally. This is the one who gets it.
Cue the sound of a duck call… because that’s where the hunting ended and the fishing began.
The Hook
We first connected on Facebook Dating. I’d already done my due diligence — sent his profile to a friend for a “legit check,” and she confirmed he was who he said he was. Bonus points: God-centered, no hookups. My guard dropped. I felt safe.
Then came the Christian Catnip..
Scripture. Marriage visions. A three-hour dinner under a tree with Texas sweet tea until the place closed. Encouragement so potent it could’ve been bottled and sold as “Holy Spirit Pre-Workout.”
He sent me things like:
JB: “Just have to laugh…it’s a heck of a ride. You looked to God for the answers to the chaos that was life. Straight up Romans 8:28–30… The devil thought he had you but he lost. You and God won. Well done, Melody…well done.”
And:
JB: “You are Genesis 50:20. God has you right where He needs you and you are doing His work. We just have to say, ‘alright God, you have me here, put me to use for you.’”
Sir. You just hit me with Romans and Genesis back-to-back. And you look like you just walked off the set of Yellowstone. Do you know what that combination does to a woman who loves Jesus and a man who can change a tractor tire?
Then, out of nowhere:
JB: “I’m a huge Nick Saban fan. His talks on being a great teammate resonate with me regarding marriage. #rolltide”
Sir, are you trying to seal this deal with football metaphors? Because it’s working.
The Covenant Drop
And then… the bomb.
He sends me a marriage covenant. Not a vague list of “I like long walks on the beach.” No — this was a mission statement for a God-centered marriage complete with scripture, gender roles, and a line straight out of the Song of Solomon that literally says: “your breast are like two fawns…”
Sir. You cannot send a woman that and then expect her to keep a poker face during Bible study.
And he didn’t just send a verse. He sent a whole opening salvo that read like premarital counseling notes:
JB: “So, it’s long but these are nonnegotiables I came up with for marriage. My current thought is that a couple that has created friendship, developed it into a relationship, then to engagement have to be on the same page or it’s not worth the challenge. Therefore these, in my current opinion, are nonnegotiables they would discuss daily and if either was not interested or simply wasn’t putting out the effort then they aren’t marriage material at that time. Of course I didn’t think of any of this 24 years ago.”
JB: “Our Mission: God is FIRST and FOREMOST in our MARRIAGE.”
JB: “1. We work hard for success in the marriage, all day, every day.”
JB: “2. We are servants first, to each other.”
JB: “3. We adamantly protect each other’s Words, Heart and Mind.”
And yes, he layered in intimacy doctrine too:
JB: “Sexual banter and sex… kept between only the husband and wife… A husband and wife should read (each their part) the Song of Solomon to each other at least once a month.”
I responded like any faith-forward woman would who thought she’d just met her match:
“got it. reading… thank u for sharing!”
“and powerful and beautiful, JB. let me digest it and read it again. really good. very sacred.”
The Full Court Press
But it didn’t stop there.
Nick Saban marriage talks. The Heart of Dating podcast. The Bridegroom sermon on YouTube. Encouragement after encouragement, even after we met — and plans to visit my studio in two weeks. JB even sent me his 21 values for his business read everyday at 8:28..and over dinner told me it could be a frameword for dating and a podcast. I took it seriously.
I was all in. Ready to go duck hunting. Skin a deer. Change my entire schedule around. I thought this was the real deal. Finally, God was blessing me with a relationship where we had so much in common. Exhale.
The Pullback
And then… the covert covenant crumbled.
He bailed. He causally mention he was not coming to Houston for Pilates….and when I pressed, he responded:
JB: “.. Would I like to be able to spend more time around you to get to know you better? Absolutely. Although it would appear to be a little challenging, simply due to the distance and you have a full schedule. You seem to be a great person and whoever is able to spend time with you will be fortunate as you have a world of wisdom, great attitude and exceptionally easy on the eyes.”
Sir, you just love-bombed me with Romans, Genesis, Song of Solomon, Nick Saban, and a marriage covenant — and now you’re citing geography?
Again, you can’t make this stuff up.
The Pattern You Need to See Coming..
Ladies, listen.
When a man over 50 sends you:
Marriage covenants
Sermons on the Bridegroom
Song of Solomon verses
Leadership values for a God-centered marriage
And asks what you think about all of it…
…he knows exactly what he’s doing.
This isn’t “just friends.” This isn’t “platonic plus Proverbs.” This is Christian Catnip — and if you’ve been through any kind of narcissistic relationship, it’s designed to make you purr.
The problem? Once you’ve been purring for a few weeks, he suddenly “remembers” the distance, the timing, or some other vague incompatibility. And you’re left wondering if he’s got a string of other women he’s sending the same verses to, like a one-man Facebook Ministry with a harem of hopefuls.
Ghosting is a blessing in camouflage.
Oversharing spiritual intimacy without action? Dangerous.
Bait-and-tackle guys are pure entertainment. And JB stands for ‘Jus BS!”
Horses still have better follow-through than most men.
Sis, if a man is sending you marriage covenants, Nick Saban marriage pep talks, and a reading plan for Song of Solomon — you are not his “just a friend.” You’re on the hook. And the moment he says it’s “too far,” you’ve just been released back into the dating pond… but with a little less trust in your tackle box.
Until then, I’ll be over here teaching Pilates, drinking sparkling water, raising teens, and riding horses that actually go where they say they’re going.
Because unlike most of the men I’ve met lately — at least the horse knows where he’s going.
Where to find me:
Elmwood Place Pilates – Palestine, TX
Instagram: @ThePilatesCowgirl
Want more of Melody’s dating adventures?
Click here for more 58-and-something dating stories that prove truth really is stranger than fiction.
https://www.thegoodspace.com/tgs-blog/dead-fish-double-chins-and-bait-amp-tackle-adventures-in-dating-at-58-heavo
And stay tuned… I’ve got a “It’s Just Lunch… in Houston” date coming up that might just deserve its own blog — or maybe even a podcast. Who knows? Maybe Christian Catnip will be the pilot episode.
Final on Christian Catnip
It smells holy, looks wholesome, and leaves you more spun out than a kitten in a Bible study.
I thought I’d finally met my divinely aligned partner — shared faith, common ground, even matching marriage covenants. Turns out, he was just selling snake oil in a holy bottle.
Honestly? At least the guys who ghost you are telling you the truth.
Read the full saga — from dead fish to double chins, bait and tackle to the worst “godly” date ever:
https://www.thegoodspace.com/tgs-blog/dead-fish-double-chins-and-bait-amp-tackle-adventures-in-dating-at-58-heavo
Melody Morton-Buckleair
Master Instructor | Studio Owner | Retreat Creator
The Pilates Cowgirl™
Learn more at:
www.thegoodspace.com
www.elmwoodplacetx.com
Follow along:
Instagram: @thepilatescowgirl | @elmwoodplacetx
Facebook: Melody Morton-Buckleair
Preview YouTube video The True Bridegroom – Timothy Keller [Sermon]
